An Aries Guide to Woo-Woo
It’s uncomfortable and scary to get vulnerable, but freedom is on the other side.
Trigger Warning: mention of rape, abuse, drug use, suicidal thoughts, and toxic whiteness.
I took this year to step back and re-evaluate everything I had been working on and building for the past several years.
It was a brutally painful process as I peeled back things I had spent thousands of hours building and promoting.
I had to admit not everything that glitters is gold.
Some of it was fool’s gold or a mirage.
Some of it was just plain garbage that I had assigned value.
I had to evaluate my innermost thoughts and judge them against the principles of freedom and justice for ALL.
Before I tell you about it, though, let me first give gratitude for the privileged life I live that allowed me the opportunity to go through such a cathartic process.
This society isn’t built to allow us the tools or space to truly connect with ourselves. My husband is an ACTUAL saint, and I’m thankful to be on this road with him.
I also have to be honest about the difficulty of the process. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, and it’s hard to feel like I’m starting over AGAIN.
But I learned something vital along the way.
I experienced that the cycle of creation, destruction, and re-creation isn’t bad; it’s magical. Its’ pain becomes the beauty of the journey.
Part of my creative process has been the videos and blog posts I’ve shared over the past 20+ weeks.
They cover a range of topics related to relieving anxiety and aligned entrepreneurship, two of my faves.
Now, I’m excited to dig into my 3rd favorite topic – Spirituality & our connection to “God” and one another.
I use quotation marks for “God” because I have a new understanding of that term for myself, and it’s a stretch from The Big Guy up There I used to envision.
There’s been a thread woven through everything I’ve shared so far, and now it’s time to bring it to the light.
If you didn’t guess already, the thread is relationships.
See, everything I learned along the way taught me that healthy relationships – with ourselves, the people and nature we share the universe with, and Spirit/God/Universe, are vital to creating the outcome of freedom and justice for all.
Love is the answer, but as a society, we don’t know what love is because we spent the past 400+ years suppressing true love in favor of global wealth hoarding and “religious freedom.”
Remember how the love of money is the root of all evil?
The United States is a perfect example of how the love of money looks after 400 years of seeking it at any cost. Our 45th president and so many of the policies and events that happened around and because of him are the visceral steaming piles of shit-truth that represent those consequences. The protests in the streets and the devastation of COVID are only the beginning.
Newton’s third law teaches us that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. We will pay for our actions. White, Christian, capitalist America is primarily responsible and has a lot of work to do before the wrongs are righted.
But before I go on a tangent or dive too deep into this profound and heavy topic, I thought it essential that I tell you a little about myself and the journey that led me to you now.
I grew up in a very conservative, very white North Idaho town. I went to a private Christian school at my church on a prairie in the middle of nowhere from preschool through graduation. The whole school had about 50 kids in it, and I graduated in a class of 1.
I was an overachiever and a perfectionist, so I graduated two years early and went to community college at 16.
But first, I went to Mexico on a “mission” trip for six months. The pinnacle of being a good Christian white kid was going on a mission trip, even if it was just a week long. I did a whole six months by myself, so you can see that overachiever streak started early.
Even though it was fun and a great adventure, I’m not sure I fulfilled any mission, but since Mexico was sufficiently “poor,” it qualified, and I was on my way to inevitable success.
As a side benefit, I felt very “woke” after my trip because I had spent so much time with Mexican families and being a “minority” in a brown world.
I’ll tell you more about that trip along the way, but to make a long story short, the point is, I was a very good Christian girl until I wasn’t.
Fast forward a couple of years. It was the summer before my senior year of college. I was still a “good” girl, but I had definitely had some fun, tried some things, lost my virginity, and truly believed I had to straighten up if I was ever going to get married – the ultimate goal at the time.
Of course, in my quest for “love,” not understanding the wounds I already had, I was the perfect prey for a serial rapist who had re-entered society in my parents home town.
He befriended me, came to church with me, came to my family’s home, took me to his family’s house, then, after a few weeks of building trust, got me alone and raped me.
I didn’t even know it was rape at the time. I believed it was my fault. I thought I deserved it because I wasn’t a virgin anymore or because I went somewhere with him, so he assumed I wanted it. I knew for sure I had said no and pleaded many times for him to stop, but I chastised myself for putting me in that situation. #MeToo
The night it happened, I was with him at his friend’s home an hour from my parent’s house, so, after he raped me, he gave me a ride home in his two-seater Mazda. We didn’t have cell phones back then. That was a long, quiet ride home.
Three days later, I had a diagnosis of herpes and 12 other STDs. I bawled in the doctor’s office as she told me I wouldn’t be able to give natural birth to a child because of what I had done.
I called and told him what he had given me, that I forgave him, but that we couldn’t hang out anymore, then I left to be the youth pastor on a weekend trip to a Christian concert festival.
My first morning back, I saw his mugshot in the local newspaper.
He was in a police chase through town that started after he had broken into a woman’s home, raped her at knifepoint, and stolen her wallet.
As the news story unfolded and he went to prison, I learned his charges were serial child rape and that he had raped several girls my age and younger.
Not only that, but when I met him that summer, it was because he had just been released from the prison system after having served a sentence for rape already.
As I grappled with the stunning reality of what had happened, I was in a daze.
My life began a downward spiral that lasted for seven years before I told anyone besides my younger sister about my experience or admitted it was rape.
Every day of that time, I thought about how to explain why I couldn’t give birth naturally to my mom and how to admit that I had herpes.
Every person I considered dating became another minefield of figuring out when and how to tell them about this condition with or without the story that went along.
The stigma that followed my every move was heavy with shame.
When I went back to school and friends for my last year of college, I turned to cannabis to help me cope.
Now I know that therapy would have been a much better choice to deal with the trauma, but then, therapy and anti-depressants were just as shameful as pre-marital sex or cannabis.
I picked the sin that felt the best at the time and resigned myself to secretly being a bad person.
I was never fully committed though, because I enjoyed being kind and doing good things with and for my community.
I even made a conscious choice to go into social services when I graduated college instead of corporate, where I could have used my business degree to climb the ladder.
I wanted to build a life I loved, even though I believed the tradeoff was that I would always be poor. I was willing to accept my punishment for not being perfect.
It’s chilling to look back now and see how shame hides so openly in our society and how it hid in my life choices and beliefs about myself.
It took me years to recognize that I was always working to be worthy of love because underneath, I didn’t believe I was.
Eventually, the shame and disconnect from my spirit had worn me down, and after escaping a 5-year long abusive relationship, I knew something had to change.
I decided to quit using cannabis, go back to church and get my life “right.” I started therapy and finally told my parents about my rape. I thought that would be the final piece to get me back on track.
Since I was starting over, I took the opportunity to move across the country and join the family business.
I thought I was only going for a couple of years to learn the business.
I was working on my Master’s degree in Family Life Education and wanted to focus on helping people develop better familial relationships somehow.
I was still figuring it out and decided a cushy family business job would be just the way to get a paycheck while I finished my studies.
I was quickly distracted from my courses (as shame-based decision-making tends to do) and quit my MA program with months to go so I could rescue the family business instead.
Notice my pattern of trying to BE the savior all the time?
Fast forward another couple of years, and my mental health was utter garbage by now.
One day, I remember sitting at my desk feeling overwhelmed with responsibility and lack of support. I had an intense moment of clarity where I understood why people killed themselves. Ending my life suddenly seemed like the most plausible solution to everything I was experiencing at the time.
I quickly told myself it wasn’t okay to think like that and even went around the hall to say to a friend I had hired that I had just experienced that feeling.
At the time, I had been back in church and cannabis and sex-free for almost four years. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like this when I did everything I knew to be good and deserve to feel good and have a good life.
I sang in the choir, led the youth group, went to every service, served as an armor bearer for the pastor’s wife, ran the business, hired a lot of people, bought a house, let other single women live in my home with me for free and even managed to make the business successful and get it through challenging times with flying colors.
But I knew I wasn’t okay, and finally, I let go.
I let go of working with my family. I let go of church. I let go of trying to be chaste and sober. I let go of what I expected to happen next or who I expected me to be.
As I was letting go, I didn’t know if I would ever be caught.
I did know I had learned a version of love that didn’t feel good and wasn’t making sense.
I wasn’t sure if that was because I learned wrong, was taught wrong, or it was all a lie from the beginning.
So, as any good overachiever would, I decided to tear apart what I had learned about love and live unapologetically as myself, sins and all.
Granted, I would go into hiding to do so, but I determined to do what I wanted in the safety of my hiding place.
It was only a couple of months later that I met my now-husband, and he provided that safe place to exist as myself while I dug into what love was and how to embody it.
That process took nearly 15 years to become what is now “The Hart Habits.”
Although it took so long to emerge, the path I traveled along the way was key to arriving where I am today.
There were no mistakes or mishaps. It was all intended by my highest self for my highest good to serve my highest purpose as a vessel of love.
It wasn’t easy. It was full of heartache, disappointment, joy, fun, reflection, white privilege, steaming hot piles of shit-truth, and so so many questions.
I’m beyond grateful the journey led me here.
Now, I’m able to embrace all of my identities, and I can see and appreciate the omniscience of “God” more than ever before.
Honing those skills allows me to see others with the eyes of radical love and celebration as well.
When I say “I love you,” I mean it from the depth of my soul.
I say it every day to almost every person I interact with.
I’m still a work in progress, but as I get more connected to Source and aligned with my energetic purpose, the mysteries of the universe begin to reveal themselves in ways so phenomenal I can’t help but share.
As much as I would love to stay safely in the world of talking business and marketing all the time, it’s not what I’m here for.
As an Aries sun sign with a Gemini Moon, a Libra ascendant, and 13 other fire signs in my birth chart, I’m not an easy pill to swallow for a lot of folks. If you don’t know much about horoscopes, just imagine I’m a big ball of fire. Excellent for some things, difficult to deal with in many other situations.
That’s why I’m titling this series, “An Aries Guide to Woo-Woo.”
I will say things that will piss some folks off. I don’t care.
I will simplify complex, nuanced topics, so you know how to take the very first steps for yourself. That’s my genius.
I will push you to learn, test, try, fail, and repeat through ALL of your excuses. I know them because I’ve used them.
I will say I love you every time. I will MEAN it EVERY time.
The “mission” is to help myself, and anyone who wants to learn with me, how to care for and love ourselves, each other, our earth, and our resources like “God” loves us so we can survive what’s coming and build a beautiful future together.
Let the circus begin.
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