by Bridgett Hart | HOPE
Scientifically speaking, there is a recipe for how to have hope in desperate times.
There are three parts to the hope recipe, and looking in the mirror is the key to multiplying them all.
Goals, Pathways, and Agency
Like I said over on youtube, hope comes from a trilogy of Goals, Pathways, and Agency, a framework I first learned from psychologist C.R. Snyder's Hope Theory, laid out in his book The Psychology of Hope: You Can Get There From Here.
Simply put, folks have hope when they know what they want and how to get there for themselves. That could make us think we can have hope by ourselves, or in ourselves. The problem is, it just doesn't work that way.
We may have goals we think are ours alone, but we never have all the pathways and agency by ourselves. Research shows it's the goals we share in community that give us the most of all three parts of the recipe for hope.
I'll start by defining agency, then give you a basic example to consider.
What Agency Really Means
There are many definitions of the word agency, but here, it refers to the capacity, condition, or state of acting or of exerting power. We could call this our ability to do for ourselves.
Our level of agency can change based on our physical abilities, legal constraints, financial means, and more.
The overturn of Roe v. Wade and several other key pieces of legislation reminded many of us that while we thought we had full agency over our body, choices, and personal health care, that isn't true in the United States. We can be imprisoned, or forced to die, over a personal health care decision, if we're in the wrong part of the country.
We may believe we have the capacity to do a lot for ourselves, but we don't have the means. We need other people, and other parts of nature, for most of it.
Consider our ability to breathe. It's unconscious for most of us, most of the time. Our brain and lungs and body work together to make it happen seamlessly. But could we breathe if there were no plants producing oxygen? If you've ever gone scuba diving, you've learned what happens to a body that can't get its oxygen. It's not pretty. The answer is a hard no.
We have the agency to breathe, but we're never doing it alone.
Why the Mirror Matters for Goal-Setting
Now that we understand agency doesn't exist in a vacuum, let's talk about why it's so important to look in the mirror for our goal-setting process.
In this mini-series, I mentioned four ways we need to evaluate our self in order to have hope in desperate times: strengths, with gratitude; shadows; boundaries; and Spirit.
This matters because these things all affect the how and why of the goals we set, and whether they'll be strong enough to feed hope when the going gets tough.
An Example
Goal: Lose 40 lbs to be more healthy. My body, my goal.
Pathways: Eating healthy. Eating less. Exercise. Starving. Binging and purging. Extreme working out. Requires farmers, grocers, food manufacturers, gym owners, gym equipment manufacturers, trainers, doctors, supplements, and more.
Agency: I do the grocery shopping and meal planning. I have a 6-month-old breastfeeding, three other kids to make dinner for and get ready for school each day, a 9-to-5 job, no car, no money for a gym membership. Focused on what self is capable of accomplishing alone, but neglects the many people required for each constraint even to exist.
Versus:
Goal: Look good and feel good in my body that takes good care of me. Strength and gratitude. Be kind and gracious with myself because I know I've been through a lot of trauma around this in the past. Shadow. Make choices that honor myself. Boundaries. So I can live a fulfilling, happy life with my friends and family. Spirit.
Pathways: Beautiful clothing that fits well, healthy food from the farmer's market, massage and other holistic body care, outings with friends and family, therapy, exercise, involvement in local interest groups, hobbies, regular health care, meditation. Lots of others involved here.
Agency: Support from partner, friends, family, neighbors, and experts. Routines that prioritize self-care. Thrift stores. Neighborhood mutual aid and gardens. Learning to grow, harvest, prepare, and preserve fresh fruits and vegetables. Time in nature. Seeking fulfillment and better conditions at work. Even more others involved here.
Hope Is a Community Practice
When we take the time to know ourselves better, we're more able to see others for their contributions as well.
As we practice the Habit over time, we may find our goals aligning with the community we're loving and being loved in. When we align our goals as a community and move toward them together, well, "yes we can," as President Obama said.
For me, the goal that keeps me hopeful is leaving the world my Black American daughter and her community live in better than it was when I got here. There are a million pathways to get there, and I have a lot of agency as her mom and primary caregiver.
I'm grateful my journey brought her into a strong, loving community to help accomplish that goal. The awesome part is, while the goal still drives me to do more and better every day, it's also already done. Because of our community. And because of me.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: What goals help you hold on to hope when times are desperate? If you don't know the answer, try working through this series for yourself and see where you land.
Mind you, while the series might only take 20 minutes to consume, it could represent months or years of self-reflection practices, depending on where you are in the process. You get the time and grace to move through the process at your pace.
by Bridgett Hart | SELF
Connecting to Spirit is the best way I've found to have hope even in desperate times. But that means a lot of different things to different people. After studying love for 15 years, I have a definition for Spirit that might make you rethink some of how you're connecting.
Why This Post Is the Sixth
It's funny too, because Spirit is even speaking through the logistics of this post.
This morning in the shower, I was reflecting on a recent conversation I had about global anti-Blackness. The pastor I was speaking with said he thought there may be a connection to the Pentecost in Acts.
I've been pondering this point all week, and then the scripture from Genesis 1:27–31 came to my mind. The only part I recalled at the time was "created in the image of God," which brought to mind the white Jesus so many follow, and what the statement "Black woman is God" incites in some groups. I mean, Black woman is the image of God just as much as every other human, including white man, right? Why so much resistance to the idea?
Then I sat down to write this post for you, and noticed that this is the sixth post in this series, and this topic was also the sixth post in a different series I wrote about a similar theme.
So I decided to research the meaning of the number 6, which I recalled meant something about man in Biblical references, and definitely in the worst sense. In numerology, the number 6 often represents the balance between the material and spiritual, and signifies healing, selflessness, and unconditional love.
This illustrates my point about why I had to reach beyond Christianity to pull The Hart Habits together, because the meanings for the number 6 are both quite varied and totally related.
On the one hand, 6 represents the day, in the Bible story, that humans and all life on Earth were created. The Bible says both man and woman were created in the image of God. Everything else was also created that day, and humans were to rule the birds, sea animals, and every creeping thing, and to eat any plant or fruit tree that bears seeds. Let's hear it for the vegans, eh?
There's a big emphasis in Christianity that 6 is the number of man and represents imperfection, while 7 is the number of God, man plus 1, and represents perfection. Imperfection is the most important message in this context, and the predominant takeaway is unworthiness.
In numerology and secular number systems, 6 represents a balance between material and spiritual. It almost syncs up with the Biblical meaning, but instead of being a lack of something, it represents a bridge between one thing and the other, or a fulcrum for them to balance on.
It also illustrates how differently that scripture could be interpreted when the emphasis is on our connection to every other living thing on the planet and in the heavens, as opposed to our lack of God, which is 7, the day of rest, actually.
If we are in fact created in the image of God, that includes every human on the planet, right? So do we look like God, or does God look like us? Is God us? Is God them?
As you can see, this conversation can go on forever with no real conclusion that everyone is going to agree on. But after 15 years of studying love through the eyes of various disciplines, sciences, and storytellers, I came up with a definition that finally made sense to me. Hint: yes, God is all of us, and every single other molecule in the universe.
My Definition of Spirit
To me, Spirit, by any name, is the energy that flows between us all that causes each of us to manifest our greatest creativity.
As I moved through my journey to study love, I found there were specific behaviors or Habits I could engage in that would increase this type of energy flow in my personal relationships.
Then I realized I could also access this energy through connecting to the parts of our universe that have no choice but to operate in their greatest manifestation, things like nature in its native habitat, or the stars, moon, and galaxies.
Finally, I realized that by connecting to Spirit intentionally myself, and then making efforts to connect to others in the same way, I could increase this flow exponentially around me.
Get Quiet, Get Connected
What do I mean by connecting to Spirit intentionally? In a nutshell, it's a simple, though not easy, two-step process: get quiet, get connected.
Get Quiet
This part is super important, and probably the most difficult, because our society does not operate in a way that supports getting quiet or still. You've probably experienced hustle culture since you were in kindergarten, being rushed to learn how to read.
If being able to quiet your mind or sit still for a period of time sends you into a mini panic attack, you may need some actual sleep before you're ready for the type of quiet I'm talking about. That's okay. Get the sleep. Come back to this when you're rested and ready to move into your greatest with confidence.
If you understand what it means to get quiet, you'll recognize some of these as good ways to get there: meditation, by far my favorite, most difficult, and most effective method; yoga; silent retreats; prayer; tai chi; nature walks; swimming; gardening. There are so many more, and I'd love to hear yours, but this small list will give you a few options to try.
It's also worth noting this practice applies to every facet of life. In order to listen, we have to be quiet. Spirit is always telling us what we need to know and do to get our greatest outcomes, but we often can't hear it because we're too busy talking, or listening to the loudest messages in our face instead.
One of those very loud voices in the U.S. is white supremacy culture. It's been a cancer in this country since our conception, and it has tainted every aspect of our society and socialization. That's why you'll often hear me say "listen to Black women" and "follow Black femme leaders," because their voices have been the most silenced and marginalized in this culture.
When Spirit speaks, it's rarely a yell or a scream. Often it's a whisper. The quietest voice in your heart, telling you the hard but real truth. The kid looking at you with wide eyes to affirm or validate what they feel. That feeling in the pit of your stomach, or the flicker of a friend's face in your mind. The realization that you have privilege, and that you should use it to shield those who don't.
It can be blatant and open too, like a favorite song, or a commercial that keeps coming on at the right, or wrong, time.
Spirit constantly offers the wisdom, but it's always our choice to accept or reject the gift.
Get Connected
We accept and apply that gift of wisdom from Spirit by connecting to the other life forms we encounter, very intentionally.
I say life forms, as opposed to people, because I want us to expand our thinking beyond our spouse, our children, our parents, even beyond the humans we encounter each day at work, school, shopping, playing, and in our neighborhood.
Yes, connecting more intentionally and deeply with all these people will help connect you more deeply to Spirit. And also: the plants, insects, birds, and animals that live in your neighborhood, on your block, maybe in your walls, can be connections to Spirit as well.
Understanding how recycling programs work in your area, and what happens to your garbage when it leaves your hands, can connect you more deeply to Spirit.
Learning the links between water, wind, earth, fire, and indigenous practices, both your own people's and those of the people on whose land you live, can connect you more deeply to Spirit.
You might notice that when I talk about connecting with Spirit, I'm not talking about a lot of doing, but more about being, especially in a state of reception, gratitude, and celebration of everything around you and about you.
Being in relation with, and learning more about, everything that is not you, will benefit and feed your connection to Spirit.
Yes, this could even include going to church, temple, or some other religious or spiritual service. It's just not confined to those types of environments or events. Those are a few examples, out of millions, maybe billions, of ways we've been gifted to connect to Spirit.
Bringing It Back to Self
To bring this post back around to the original topic of the series, How to Have Hope in Desperate Times, connecting to Spirit is one of the ways I teach people to look in the mirror, or get reconnected to their Self, the very first Hart Habit.
If you're a white person who lives in the U.S., I highly recommend the specific activity of following Black femme leaders as a way to get more connected to Spirit, because it's a way to listen to the quieted voices in our society.
When I talk about being connected to Spirit, it's not really an inside activity. It's not about the meditation, or the prayer time, or how powerful we are as a spiritual individual, or exactly how we quiet our mind, but rather about what those practices will, or won't, cause us to contribute to our community with our resulting behaviors. It's about how that energy flows between you and others, and about what you're both giving and receiving energetically.
White supremacy culture taught us to take and take and take from the world around us, as if that was our birthright. But it forgot about the give. The time has come where the universe is about to force the give, because that's the nature of cycles. But you can be on the front end of that by learning how to give first. Then it won't hurt when that pendulum swings, because you'll already be aligned with it.
Being well connected to our Self is crucial to having what it takes to find hope. I'll dig into that further in my next post, but remember: you are your own greatest asset in every regard. You are one of a kind. There is no one else on planet Earth with exactly the same set of experience, genetics, or circumstance as you. You are the prototype, and your imperfections are exactly what make you perfect.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: How do you connect to Spirit?
by Bridgett Hart | SELF
There are reasons why I know how to have hope even in desperate times. One of those reasons is my boundaries.
I wasn't taught early how to have good boundaries for myself, but once I learned, it became much easier to know for sure what to do in chaotic or uncertain times.
The boundary in question is one I didn't even realize I had made at a young age. I knew what I felt in my body though, and on this detail, I simply trusted it, despite a mountain of "evidence" to the contrary.
Fifteen Years Old in North Idaho
See, when I was about 15 years old, I broke up with the last white guy I ever dated. I never so much as went to dinner or a movie with another white romantic interest.
Mind you, I lived in North Idaho. I definitely had a lot of white friends, of all genders. In fact, it was 98% white where I grew up 30 years ago, and it's still 98% white today. Just about all of my friends were white. I didn't date until college.
Suddenly, I was able to have close friends of all races and backgrounds. Even though I still lived in my hometown, scholarship programs attracted students from all over the world to the local college, and later the university I attended.
I found my people, and I settled in.
Except, they weren't my people.
The Harm I Did Before I Did the Work
See, I hadn't done my self-work yet, and I did a lot of harmful things along the way. Harmful to myself, and to the people I was in relationship with.
I appropriated culture. I believed lies that Black women hated me because I dated Black men. I repeatedly got into harmful relationships with damaged men because I was still damaged. I did all the things someone who is steeped in white supremacy culture might do that hurts people of color.
But I didn't change my boundary. I continued to seek healing and understanding for myself, and I continued to date men outside my race.
What the Boundary Cost, and What It Gave
I was called a "whigger" and a "mud-shark."
A boyfriend and I were once followed around in the mall by two men hurling slurs at us the whole time.
A Black friend was pulled over in my car virtually every time he drove it down our city's main street. I was never pulled over. Even when the tags were expired, and I had a cop behind me, clearly able to see it.
I lost business associates when I publicly supported Colin Kaepernick's peaceful protest.
I lost friends, family, and associates when I married my Black husband.
I gained friends, family, and associates when I married my Black husband.
I gained knowledge, wisdom, and understanding when I humbled myself, recognized my racism, and began working on undoing its harm in my community, like Black women taught me to do.
I learned how to love myself and others unconditionally, and that boundaries are part of that expression of love.
I learned what it feels like to be angry and afraid every day because the society you live in doesn't want you to be alive in the way that you are.
And I learned how to move past that into the unspeakable joy, and sometimes agony, of each moment of life.
Whose Oppressors Are You Raising?
Here we are as a nation, at a place where white women are suddenly having to face the reality that our human rights are not valued as highly as white men value their own. Period.
And as the brilliant @DesireeBStephens says, "White women, you are birthing and raising your own oppressors."
Somewhere along the line, you have followed the social norms that lead you to marry the men, birth their sons, and then raise those sons in the same patriarchal, white supremacist society that devalues you as a woman too, even though you're white, and you thought that made you special.
You've been trained to believe that Black women represent the worst of what society has to offer, and in fact, you've missed out on the fact that Black woman is the best divinity has to offer. And so are you. Turns out, one doesn't negate the other.
What other lies do you believe because a racist, patriarchal, capitalist society wants you to believe them?
Trust Her
Your body knows the truth, and as you begin to look in the mirror in all the ways I'm discussing, you'll be able to hear her so much more clearly.
Trust her, and do what she says, and you'll be on your way to having hope even in the most dire of circumstances.
Keep in mind though, this isn't about a destination. It's a journey, and the journey is about this moment right now. Take it one small step at a time, and just keep moving in the direction of the visions you see. You are perfect where you are, but as you know better, you'll be able to do even better.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: How do your boundaries feel in your body?
by Bridgett Hart | SELF
In order to have hope in desperate times, we have to start with taking a good look in the mirror. Next time you're feeling hopeless, think about the boundaries you have in place in your life. Are they hurting you, or helping you?
Boundaries as Path Markers
I've talked before about boundaries and how crucial they are to living our best life. That's not only because of how it benefits our mental health, but also because it helps guide and direct our life.
Think about a pathway through the woods. If there are no clear boundaries, it might be easy to get lost. But with a well-marked path, you feel more secure, right?
Boundaries act like those path markers in our lives and relationships. They help us determine what's off-course and how to get to our goals. Really, they just help us make sure we're going the way we want to go.
The fun, and sometimes scary, part is we don't always know what all our boundaries should be, or where we should place them now or in the future. Sometimes parts of our path are through areas where no one has gone before and laid out where the pathway is. We have to decide on our own.
Sometimes we worry that a boundary placed now will be a big obstacle for us later. And sometimes they will be.
Your Body Already Knows
But I have a secret for you. There's a great way to decide whether a boundary is right for you or not, in any given moment. You have an internal system that helps you figure it out.
I won't go into all the science behind why this works right now, but in a nutshell, your body has the capacity to tell you everything you need to know about a boundary. The key is to learn to hear it, and then to trust it.
Some of us call it our gut instinct, or have other ways of describing how our body speaks to us. But when I'm talking about boundaries, I want you to take what I'm saying very literally.
The Mirror Exercise for Boundaries
As part of the exercise of looking in the mirror, think about how the boundaries you have in your life make your body feel.
When you think about the different restrictions and lines you won't cross, how does your body feel? Does it feel free and expansive when you think of it, or binding and restrictive?
For example, a boundary of no work calls after 6:30pm could have both the expansive feeling of being free in the evenings to spend uninterrupted time with your kids, or it could feel restrictive because so much business is being done by your competitors during that time. Neither is good or bad. They are merely different.
My point is that only you really know what the right boundaries are for you, and your body has the power to tell you about it if you listen closely.
So evaluate your boundaries while you're in the mirror, and ask yourself: how does my body feel about this boundary? The more closely you listen to your body's answers, the more aligned your life will get with your purpose, and the more hope you'll be able to access when times get tough.
My next post is about a boundary I put in place in my life, and how sometimes a boundary can put a big obstacle in your way, and thank goodness it does.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: How do your boundaries feel in your body?
by Bridgett Hart | SELF
In order to have hope in desperate times, we have to start with taking a good look in the mirror. It's crucial to be really honest when we do. That honesty must extend to both the traumas we, and our ancestors, have endured, and the traumas we, and our ancestors, have enacted.
Shadow Work and Inner Child Healing
I've talked and written before about shadow work, and how it can start with some basic inner child work.
When I reference inner child work, I'm talking about a variety of exercises that help us get back in touch with who we were before we were hurt. When we can relate to ourselves as innocent children, it's easier to give ourselves the grace it takes to move through the healing process.
Process, adventure, roller coaster ride, or white-knuckle, hang-on-for-dear-life rafting trip down the river of life. Most of us have been hurt, and have hurt others. We've got to move through all of it to get to healing.
What Epigenetics Has to Do With It
One thing I haven't talked about before is epigenetics. Do a little research on that if you want, but the definition, according to the CDC, is the study of how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work.
Most of the research we hear about has to do with how being enslaved for 400 years of ancestry affects the genetics of Black Americans.
Does it make you wonder what 400 years of enslaving people openly in a society does to the genes of the people doing the enslaving? Or is that just me?
My point is, we don't only have the effects of our own traumas, both suffered and inflicted. We also have to deal with those of our ancestors. When we have the privilege of being able to access that information, it's worthwhile to do so as part of our personal journey.
The unfortunate truth for white American women is that there is a high likelihood we had ancestors who were involved in enslaving people. We have the power to heal the wounds of all the generations when we do the work. But if we refuse to acknowledge and repair the harm, we put the burden of that worsening damage on the shoulders of our children, like ancestors before may have done to you.
Now we are at a critical time in the history of the universe, and you can decide to either be grounded in truth, or float away with the hot-air promises of white wealth and supremacist capitalism.
Looking Further Back
Like I said in my last post, sometimes we have to dig through the muck to find the treasure, but we have to look at it first. And sometimes the muck itself is the treasure.
Just like we have to look at our inner child before we were hurt to give ourselves the grace to move through healing, we might also need to look at our ancestry before our ancestors were hurt, often pre-Christianity. If you have the privilege and can trace your ancestry to a place on the planet, it's amazing to consider how they might have interacted with the landscape and each other.
I'm not here to make you feel bad. The exact opposite, in fact. I'm here to share with you how you can also have hope in this stressful reality. But love doesn't mince the truth. Love celebrates the truth, or works with it instead of against, despite, or outside of it.
If you aren't healing, and truth helps with that, then it's actually dangerous for you to be out in the world proclaiming you have solutions, answers, or a healing balm. Get to the root of the shadows you deal with first, then go share that healing with your family, friends, and sphere of influence.
Two Cheat Codes
Here's a quick cheat code for you: Black women globally have been excelling in a world that generally hates them for hundreds of years. They have a lot of wisdom about how to build a divine world.
When we faced the overturning of Roe v. Wade and other landmark human rights protection cases, Black women had already been preaching the solutions for generations.
Another cheat code: the solution, politically speaking, is abolition and mutual aid, both of which require direct action. Don't worry though, I know it may take you a while to get there.
Take your time and start with you.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: Do you think your shadows could be related to your current situation? If so, how?
by Bridgett Hart | SELF
In order to have hope in desperate times, we have to start with taking a good look in the mirror. The first thing it's important to do there is appreciate and show gratitude for all that you are and are not. There is only one you on the entire planet. You are the only one who can bring your unique awesome and awkward to the world.
In the first post of this series, I touched briefly on taking the time to get to know, love, and respect yourself. But it's a much more in-depth process than a few minutes can contain.
The Self Habit
I call this Habit Self in The Hart Habits, and the goal of this Habit is to get to a place where we understand the exquisite and unique being we are, while also understanding that everything in our experience comes through our body for interpretation, translation, and understanding. As much as we like to believe there are objective truths, almost everything we believe is subject to our self.
The very first step in appreciating this truth is to appreciate your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual body. The one that keeps you living in this existence every day. No matter if it is skinny, fat, healthy, ill, tall, short, socially pleasing, or freakishly cool, it is yours, and it houses your soul and spirit. That makes it awesome. Period.
Not only does that make it awesome, but it also makes it worthy of gratitude, grace, compassion, love, acceptance, abundance, and all the other good things you can imagine.
The Mirror Exercise
One simple exercise I do, and share with clients, is to spend time in the mirror, looking at yourself and giving yourself, your cells, all those things I mentioned above: gratitude, grace, compassion, love, acceptance, praise, abundance, and more.
I share this first because it's a necessary tool to help you keep going through all the other difficult work that comes in developing more hope.
Trust me, you are going to have moments of resistance to what I'm going to share next and throughout the series. You may feel shame or ashamed of yourself or people you love. You might even think I want you to feel bad about yourself.
I assure you, nothing could be further from the truth.
Sometimes we have to move muck to find treasure. And we can't move muck if we won't look at it.
As a gardener, I understand the value of muck. It's the literal animal waste we use to help our plants and veggies grow strong and gorgeous. Adding it in is the organic way to make our food taste the most delicious. Isn't that funny?
As humans in connection with other humans and a whole universe of other molecules, our muck can create growth, not only for ourselves but for our whole community.
So take the time to learn about all the greatness that is you, so you'll remember it well when you start seeing the muck.
Look in the mirror and give yourself love.
Tools to Get to Know Yourself Better
Learn about your strengths with the Clifton Strengthsfinder. Recognize your character strengths with VIA. Find out everything about yourself that is unique and lovely, or dank and smelly, and seek ways to express gratitude for those things about yourself.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: How do you get to know and love yourself better?
