There are reasons why I know how to have hope even in desperate times. One of those reasons is my boundaries.
I wasn't taught early how to have good boundaries for myself, but once I learned, it became much easier to know for sure what to do in chaotic or uncertain times.
The boundary in question is one I didn't even realize I had made at a young age. I knew what I felt in my body though, and on this detail, I simply trusted it, despite a mountain of "evidence" to the contrary.
Fifteen Years Old in North Idaho
See, when I was about 15 years old, I broke up with the last white guy I ever dated. I never so much as went to dinner or a movie with another white romantic interest.
Mind you, I lived in North Idaho. I definitely had a lot of white friends, of all genders. In fact, it was 98% white where I grew up 30 years ago, and it's still 98% white today. Just about all of my friends were white. I didn't date until college.
Suddenly, I was able to have close friends of all races and backgrounds. Even though I still lived in my hometown, scholarship programs attracted students from all over the world to the local college, and later the university I attended.
I found my people, and I settled in.
Except, they weren't my people.
The Harm I Did Before I Did the Work
See, I hadn't done my self-work yet, and I did a lot of harmful things along the way. Harmful to myself, and to the people I was in relationship with.
I appropriated culture. I believed lies that Black women hated me because I dated Black men. I repeatedly got into harmful relationships with damaged men because I was still damaged. I did all the things someone who is steeped in white supremacy culture might do that hurts people of color.
But I didn't change my boundary. I continued to seek healing and understanding for myself, and I continued to date men outside my race.
What the Boundary Cost, and What It Gave
I was called a "whigger" and a "mud-shark."
A boyfriend and I were once followed around in the mall by two men hurling slurs at us the whole time.
A Black friend was pulled over in my car virtually every time he drove it down our city's main street. I was never pulled over. Even when the tags were expired, and I had a cop behind me, clearly able to see it.
I lost business associates when I publicly supported Colin Kaepernick's peaceful protest.
I lost friends, family, and associates when I married my Black husband.
I gained friends, family, and associates when I married my Black husband.
I gained knowledge, wisdom, and understanding when I humbled myself, recognized my racism, and began working on undoing its harm in my community, like Black women taught me to do.
I learned how to love myself and others unconditionally, and that boundaries are part of that expression of love.
I learned what it feels like to be angry and afraid every day because the society you live in doesn't want you to be alive in the way that you are.
And I learned how to move past that into the unspeakable joy, and sometimes agony, of each moment of life.
Whose Oppressors Are You Raising?
Here we are as a nation, at a place where white women are suddenly having to face the reality that our human rights are not valued as highly as white men value their own. Period.
And as the brilliant @DesireeBStephens says, "White women, you are birthing and raising your own oppressors."
Somewhere along the line, you have followed the social norms that lead you to marry the men, birth their sons, and then raise those sons in the same patriarchal, white supremacist society that devalues you as a woman too, even though you're white, and you thought that made you special.
You've been trained to believe that Black women represent the worst of what society has to offer, and in fact, you've missed out on the fact that Black woman is the best divinity has to offer. And so are you. Turns out, one doesn't negate the other.
What other lies do you believe because a racist, patriarchal, capitalist society wants you to believe them?
Trust Her
Your body knows the truth, and as you begin to look in the mirror in all the ways I'm discussing, you'll be able to hear her so much more clearly.
Trust her, and do what she says, and you'll be on your way to having hope even in the most dire of circumstances.
Keep in mind though, this isn't about a destination. It's a journey, and the journey is about this moment right now. Take it one small step at a time, and just keep moving in the direction of the visions you see. You are perfect where you are, but as you know better, you'll be able to do even better.
Talk soon. I love you.
Question of the day: How do your boundaries feel in your body?