This is Why Working With Family is So Hard
We’re Selfish
This applies to every human, of course. We all want what we want when we want it.
But beyond that, our capitalist, patriarchal, colonizing culture has taught us to be more focused on our individual gains than on the cost those gains may have for the community around us.
Unfortunately, when that “community” is family members we’re in business with, that’s going to be an even bigger problem.
If you’re thinking about working with family, ask yourself (and them) if you can imagine a scenario where you might prioritize profits over your people. If you can imagine it, you might want to avoid working with family.
The time will come when you have to make a difficult choice between profits and relationship, and your family bliss could hang in the balance.
We Have Poor Communication and Conflict Resolution Skills
I believe the source of this problem is the same, and I’ll explain in a moment, but in a nutshell, we are terrible at having difficult conversations with people we love. We barely know how to communicate our basic wants and needs, much less work through complex, nuanced issues that may affect many other people as well.
Why are we so bad at this?
Maybe the sayings “Put up or shut up” and “Don’t rock the boat” will give some clues.
Generally, we learn that the people in charge are the smartest, bravest, most intelligent ones with all the plans for our future. If we don’t fall in that category or aren’t the leader, we must be quiet, do our part, and not make trouble. Just hush up and get the widgets made!
Honestly, for a capitalist society to succeed, the people MUST believe these messages and fall into line.
If they don’t and everyone is out there creating for themselves, well, wealth might get spread out a little more evenly, and capitalism WILL crumble. 😉
So, if you’re thinking about working with family, consider how you and that person problem-solve together.
Are you able to have tough conversations based on love and respect?
Can you listen to hear and not respond?
Have you learned how to deliver painful messages in a trauma-informed way?
All of these skills are necessary in business anyway, but if you don’t have them when doing business with family, your whole world could be at risk.
We’re Not Clear on Our Personal Vision, Wants, and Needs
It’s ironic how every reason working with family is hard is related to our society’s principles.
We tout family as a top priority, but we neglect to prioritize the knowledge and resources that would allow them to flourish.
It’s also encouraging to know that as we individually break these chains in our lives, we are doing it for our future society as well.
You might ask how your personal vision is related to working with family, but let me tell you, nothing could be more critical.
If you are not crystal clear about what you need (boundaries), what you want (desires), and where you’re heading (vision), working with family can be like quicksand for your life.
You think you’re just kicking in with someone you love, but before you know it, you get swept up in their drama, poor decisions, and bad business practices.
If you’re already working with family and didn’t do this work ahead of time, it’s never too late to step back and evaluate and re-evaluate these things to make sure you’re where you want to be.
The Story is Always Deeper with Family
The biggest office drama is usually related to who stole your lunch out of the office refrigerator in a regular job. But in a family business, the story is always much deeper.
We aren’t just arguing about the profit and loss statement; we’re also angry about that snide comment you made last night at dinner.
It’s not just about the month-end numbers; it’s also about our niece that’s very sick and back in the hospital again on the other side of the country.
When you work with family, you’re bringing everything from your entire relationship together into the business. That can be great, or it can backfire.
It depends on everything I already mentioned and how well you are each taking care of your own personal and mental health.
So, before you go into business with your family, ask yourself, “Am I ready to get healed, be healed, and bring a whole, healthy me to this partnership no matter how much it hurts in the process?
If your answer is yes, you are ready for business with your family!
So, as promised, here are some of the reasons working with family is great:
Tax Benefits
The U.S. has set up a lot of tax loopholes for keeping wealth within your family.
Unfortunately, the origin of these loopholes was white supremacy trying to keep wealth in white hands and out of the hands of the government responsible for those who had no resources, but that’s a whole different conversation.
Since the loopholes are there, make sure you are taking advantage of them. You CAN’T take advantage of most of them without a family business, so even if your business is sweeping the street in front of your house, you may want to get one formed and get those tax benefits going.
Reach out to your tax pro or check out instagram.com/theadriantrice (the #TaxOracle) for more information on setting that up.
Build Generational Wealth
When we do family business well, we have the possibility of building generational wealth. According to a study by Cornell University, the average life span of a family-owned business is 24 years, and 40% transition to a second generation. 13% carry on to a third, and 3% survive four or more generations.
So, if you can prioritize people over profit and relationships over regulation, you have a real chance to build something that can outlive you.
Trust
Who do you trust more than your family member?
If you’re considering doing business with them, hopefully, the answer is no one.
You definitely can’t hire a stranger into your business and instantly know as much about them as you do your family member.
Of course, it would be irresponsible to imply you should trust someone just because they are family. We all know there are untrustworthy people in every family.
But if you do have a family member you trust and want to do business with, there’s nothing quite as sweet as the things you can accomplish as a team.
Love
I don’t recommend getting into business with your spouse or family to most people. The reasons are the same I mentioned above. Generally, we don’t learn how to “relationship” well in this society, evidenced by our 50%+ divorce rate.
But, it’s super sexy when we take the time to get healthy individually and then pool our time and resources together to build wealth and the future.
Remember those tax benefits I mentioned? They can benefit your marriage too, if you want them to. 😉
No one needs to have an issue with your lunch business meeting/date. But afterward, you two can clock out and enjoy the delicious outcome of your meeting together.
Of course, always make sure you’re doing your business above board and by the book because the IRS loves to do an audit and catch you making an expensive mistake.
Shared Values
We don’t always share values with everyone in our family, but it’s more common than not.
We tend to believe as our parents did and partner up with others who also feel that way. These shared values can make a big difference when making difficult decisions for the business and prioritizing people over profits.
Having aligned values makes navigating the murky waters of American commerce and capitalism a little easier and more pleasant.
A word of caution, though; sometimes, people’s values change over time or circumstance.
FUN
This is the most important reason to get into business with your family, right?
What is more fun than the idea of meetings with your sister every week or hanging out with your grown children regularly while making money?
If you’ve done the things I talked about at the beginning of this article, you have what it takes to enjoy the benefits of a family business, and this is just the icing on top of a delicious cake.
So, whether you’re considering working with family, you already work with family, or you have sworn it off forever, the bottom line is healthy relationships. If you have developed a healthy relationship with yourself, it’ll be easier to do that with others. And if you know how to do it with others, you can probably build a business or work with anyone and be successful.
Get out there and build the life of your dreams!
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