Sometimes, our anxiety and negative thoughts come from garbage boundaries.
Self-Love Starts With Boundaries
Self-love is a giant topic. In The Hart Habits, the framework I built to help my coaching and consulting clients move through massive transitions with alignment and love at the core, I break it into four areas: Strengths, Shadow, Spirit, and Boundaries. This post is about the first of those.
Positive vs. Negative Boundaries
There's always a yin and yang to everything, a good and bad, a shadow side and a bright side. Boundaries are no exception.
Boundaries can keep us tight and small, and can choke the life out of us if they're too tight or too close. On the other hand, when our boundaries give us the right amount of space to flourish, keeping them clear can be the key to honoring ourselves and giving ourselves what we need to grow.
We're All Energy
When we make boundaries, they help define us. Think about a ceramic vase. If it didn't have walls, it wouldn't hold or pour liquid. It needs walls to be usable. You're the same.
I believe we're all energy. The first law of thermodynamics, also known as the law of conservation of energy, states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred or changed from one form to another.
We're all connected, across all space and all time. We're kind of like a lava lamp on this earth, all inside the same lamp, but our blobs separate into different shapes and sizes. We look different, but we're made of the same stuff. We're all manifestations of God, but we each get to inhabit our own vessel, our body, our life, this time around.
How Boundaries Define You
Our boundaries help define who we are in this world. How do I walk through it? How do I interact with the people around me? What matters to me, and how are my priorities structuring my life?
If you feel like your boundaries are being crossed by others, that might have something to do with how you're prioritizing yourself, because you prioritize what's important to you, whether you're conscious of it or not. If you don't know what's important to you specifically, other people are more than happy to lend you their cares and hand you their priorities to carry as your own. Be careful not to let that happen. Your boundaries should be yours alone.
How Boundaries Direct You
Your boundaries also help inform where you're going, because you get more of whatever you put your energy toward. Think about where you're trying to go, and how your boundaries can help channel your energy there. We've all made time for studying, or skipped an event because we had to work.
One of my most important boundaries is rest. I value it, and I understand the power it has to help me bring my full self to each moment, so I make sure to go to bed on time every night so I can wake up refreshed. I even take a mild sleeping pill or a cannabis tincture at night, to give my body the rest it needs. It took a long time for me to embrace those tools, but once I prioritized my needs over societal stigma, I found massive benefits in listening to my body first.
When I'm short on sleep, I find ways to schedule a nap during the day. I set my alarm, put down my phone, and close my eyes. Sometimes I sleep, sometimes I just rest. I fought this practice tooth and nail for much of my life, because of the hustle culture of American capitalism. I really believed that if I was going to make it in this economy as a woman, I could never rest or let my guard down. Instead, rest has become a way for me to fight the power and reclaim my divinity. Divinity is a much better feeling to cultivate than hustle.
What I create when I'm well-rested is phenomenally superior to what I produce from exhaustion.
How to Set Boundaries That Are Right for You
It can be difficult to know where our boundaries should be. Should we give money to family? Should we let friends move in? Should we keep working a job that underpays, undervalues, and overworks us? Should we say no to Mom?
Honestly, there's no right or wrong answer. Only you know what works for your life. I can tell you what I think, other people can tell you what they think, but none of it matters, because you're the only one existing in your body, in your life.
So the best way to know whether your boundaries are where they need to be is to evaluate how they feel. How does it feel when they're in place and honored? How does it feel when they're not?
Pay attention to those feelings. Your body and mind are powerful, and they'll communicate clearly if you listen. As you consciously make changes and tune into your body, you'll feel resistance to what you're moving away from, and pull toward what you're moving toward. Does it make you feel free? Liberated? Oppressed? Angry? Resentful? Ask what the boundary is actually doing for you, and let that tell you whether it needs to change.
Examples From My Own Garden
If your boundaries feel too tight, maybe you need to break out a little, or leave a group you've been part of, or tell someone you're going to do it your own way. I had succulents drying up and dying in their pots because they didn't have the space or resources to thrive. Here they are now.
By contrast, I couldn't even see my jalapeno plant in the garden because the sweet potato vines had taken over everything. Turns out sweet potatoes next to tomatoes and eggplant is the perfect recipe for blight. I know that now, and some boundary changes had to happen.
If your boundaries are too loose, and you're feeling out there on your own, maybe you need to find your community, pull in support, and make sure you have good people around you to help maintain the boundaries you actually want.
You're Not Alone
If you're struggling with anxiety and negative thoughts, you are not alone. I've been there. I know what it's like, and I keep making it through. You can too. Seek all the help you deserve, which is every single kind of help available, and then some, and give yourself the grace to move through it one minute at a time.
Recommended resources:
McKenzie Mack, MMG Group, Boundary Work
BetterHelp Online Therapy
Calm
Recommended YouTube channel:
The Amazing Clarks
Question of the day: What have been the hardest boundaries for you to set?