Sometimes, knowing the truth hurts so bad we try to survive it by blissing out in denial. When the absolute truth of a situation is crushing, we look for something else to hold instead: shopping, social media, destructive behaviors, substances, or a thin layer of "love and light."
But sometimes we just need to feel everything the truth makes us feel. Angry. Betrayed. Scared. Afraid. Sometimes we have to embrace the shitty part before we can actually move through it and heal. And we owe our friends the same thing.
When "Everything Happens for a Reason" Falls Flat
Have you ever told someone you love that something felt wrong, and they answered with "I'm sure it's nothing" or "just keep thinking positive, everything will be okay"?
It's well intended. It also lands completely flat, and worse, it can feel like they're ignoring the actual words that just came out of your mouth. It's isolating. It can feel like nobody has ever felt what you're feeling right now.
Let me assure you: so many of us have been through the devastating thing you're going through, or sensing is coming. Miscarriage. Rape. Losing a big client. Divorce. Death. Bankruptcy. Chronic illness. Cheating. Abuse. We know. We feel you. And here's something more useful than a platitude.
Feel It
Whatever you're feeling, lean into it and name it. Angry? Betrayed? Ignored? Powerless? Afraid? Acknowledge it. Validate it. It's okay that you feel it, and there's a real reason you do. That reason is valid, no matter what it's rooted in, deep childhood stuff, the hard truth of the situation itself, or hormones. It's valid because you feel it. Full stop.
Observe It
While you're feeling it, try to also observe it. Look at what's coming up and think about what it might be trying to show you, teach you, or leave behind once it passes. You don't have to understand it yet. Just pay attention.
Document It
One way to observe it is to document it. Write, paint, type, scribble, color, dress, dance, stretch, swing - any of these can help you get a feeling out of your head and into something tangible. There's nothing wrong with any of them. Letting a feeling take physical form gives you a new angle to actually look at it from. I've written before about using art journaling this same way, and this is the same underlying practice applied to grief and hard truths specifically. It doesn't need to be shared or shown to anyone. It's not for anyone else's eyes, but it can truly help your brain process what you're going through in one more solid way.
Treat It
We go through genuinely difficult things in life, and we deserve the time and grace to move through them at our own pace. Healing isn't overnight.
So if you're angry, feel it first. Then, once you've actually processed it and you're ready, do something that helps release it. A rage room, throwing electronics against concrete. A boxing class. Playing with your kids. A massage. Lighting a candle. Whatever actually works for you.
And remember, therapy isn't for "crazy" people. It's for humans with complicated, layered realities who could use a little informed help navigating them without doing more damage to themselves or anyone else along the way. With the right therapist, therapy is always worth it as you move through the harsh truths life keeps handing you.
Question of the day: What's something well-meaning someone said to you that landed completely wrong, and what would you have wanted to hear instead?